I'm glad...

...glad that I have a few damn good friends.
In particular the one I would probably off hand call my "best friend" (even though I consider a few of my closest friends my best friends).
I am currently sitting in his room using his computer as he sleeps. It may only be 8:30 pm. but he had been awake since 3am after sleeping the day before. He has probably the worst sleep schedule I've ever known about.
Anyways I'm ridiculously thankful for him. He's a great guy. He's nice to everyone (to their face) and sometimes even too nice to the people he cares about. He's always been there for me.
More and more recently I spend the evening in his house simply because I don't want to go home. I feel so uncomfortable and often unaccepted at my parents house... and because he's awake at all hours of the night it's easy to just pop over for a few hours before going home.
He pretty much drops everything to hang out with me sometimes...even if I know there's something else he'd rather be doing.
And of course he's pretty awesome because for some reason he still likes me...even though I've broken more than a couple of his toys or pieces of furniture.

Holy Crap! It's December!

Got a phone call yesterday morning!
I was offered a role in the upcoming play The Odd Couple!
Not the role I was hoping for, but the only roles I was expecting were minor parts anyway, so I'm really excited to be involved.

And on a totally different note, I have a reoccurring nightmare wherein the brakes in my car fail as I'm driving down the road. I find it interesting that these dreams are popping up because I just got my brakes replaced, so that worry is at the back of my mind.

I guess just having to recently think about brakes at all is bringing the dreams back :P

Trying (again) to have a little Meaning

So I auditioned for a play.
Auditioned for a part in "The Odd Couple" at The Historic Empress Theatre down in Magna
(weather The Empress should actually be considered "historic" is obviously not up to me).

I dragged my friend along with me insisting that all we needed was a headshot and resume, however when we turned up they informed us that there was a miscomunication with the e-mails that were sent out and we needed a short something prepared.
No problem, though we all joked about it and they let us do a cold reading from the script.

It was also very nice that they let us audition together. I think it helped a bit.

They asked us both to come to callbacks. So tomorrow I go back.
I hope I get the part. I think it will help me have something to focus on besides just work and how depressed I am that my life is meaningless.
Not that being in a community play will change the world, but at least I'll be contributing to something.

hmmm...gay!

It seems I've reverted back to Jr. High School and anything I don't like gets described as "gay" or "retarded"... that is, of course, when I'm not cussing up a storm.

I've also realized that I'm very upset with myself.
I hate my life and most of what I go through, but I'm so very unmotivated to do anything about it. I end up just sitting and doing nothing waiting for it all to change, which naturally, it doesn't.

I feel very bad for Chelsea, i wonder sometime why it is she puts up with me... more and more lately I've had such bad days that we don't do anything anymore, I just go over to her house, put my head in her lap and pout.
And I'm extremely grateful for her, I'm just more and more mad at myself for ignoring her. I'm constantly reminding myself that she has wants and needs out of this relationship too.
She seems hellbent sometimes on helping my through everything I go through that she's often ignored. Sometimes it scares me how devoted she is to me, when I don't put nearly as much effort into the relationship as she does.

Things are looking up a bit. At least I've noticed these things and I want to work on them.

It's a long boring drive to Stansbury Island

My hand hurts SO bad.
My friend has a 12 gauge shotgun with a pistol grip. so instead of all that force going into a large stock into your shoulder... it all goes through a lot smaller space, right to your wrist.
this past wednesday I pumped 25 shells through the shotgun, my wrist was still sore this morning.
Then we went shooting again today, another 20 or so rounds with the pistol grip...then 50 rounds through a 9mm pistol.

Then while taking pictures I fell off of a rock and caught all of my weight (all 300 Goddamn pounds thank you!) on my fist.
Also this is the same hand that a cat attacked yesterday while I was pulling his tail...go figure

My thumb hurts even when I text : (

In the end though a decent day to blow off some steam
Also my elbow is scraped up and my knee...but not as bad as my hand

November still sucks!

Headache finally went away.
But for some reason I'm having a worse time coping with the Daily Monotinous that is my life.

It's ridiculous how obsessed with movies I am...but for some reason when I'm watchong a movie, or researching an actor or director I like... it helps me calm down. It lets me find a different kind of place of mind.
I'm more decided to get my website up and running than ever before, my main problem is a lack of reliable computer use.
Computer at home is not possible because my parents have everything locked up, and I feel bad going over to my friend's or girlfriend's house to get on and type reviews of movies to post to my site...I already spent a lot of time on their computers, and I feel weird every time I do.

I'm tired of thinking.
and I'm sick of my life.
Going to go watch another movie.
going to go pretend everything is different.

It's been a long November

Already it seems like a lifetime.
Officially, the November of 2009 is the worst month ever!

November 1st I got a headache... it still hasn't gome away.
I think I have a headcold becasue my throat is a bit sore too.

After close to 6 years of refusing to take any sort of medication (even any minor pain relievers) I finally caved, two days of headaches is way too much. I've pumped myself up with so much Ibuprofen it's retarded! and still it has only dropped it to a pain that's tolerable...never has it gone away.

And it's not that I'm against medication in general... It's that medication to a lot of people is just a crutch. I'd like to think that my body can natually get over most ailments on it's own just given some time.
And No, I don't just 'not take medication because I never get a headache'... I'll have you know I go through hell on a very regular basis to prove my point...I guess I'm just slightly mad at myself for finally giving in and taking some damn pills.

"Work sucks, I know"

I was screwed over today.
I showed up to work to find out that a Team Member called in sick and there was no one to cover for her, I was upset to find out that she was told not to come in, because she does this all the time and for some reason has yet to be punished for it, she's really unreliable.
Very soon after I find out that my supervisor had a "family Emergency" and she also would not be coming in.
I love my supervisor to death, but this is the third time she's been scheduled with me that she hasn't been able to make it while we were busier than expected.
I was also upset that even though I've been complaining about being short staffed for the last week or so, they have yet to do anything about it.
So I was stuck in charge of the stand alone...with MANY angry guests.
The theatre served over 3700 guests today and about half went through the Concession stand. We delt with about half of those tonight and there were only 5 of us. needless to say it was hectic, I told them it was going to be busy and I ended up not only without the extra help I needed but I was short two people as well.
I was dangerously close to walking out of my job.
At the end of the night I went over to the Box Manager's office (she was also the Manager on duty for the night) and for the second time I asked to transfer to the Box Office.
The only reason I left Box after I transfered the last time was because of the Team Lead position available in Concessions...I new I'd get it if I applied, and I did. I needed the pay raise.
Anyways, I knew the Box Office would be hiring new Team Members withing the next couple of weeks and I figured they could use someone who already knew what they were doing.
The Box Office Manager was actually happy that I'd come to this conclusion, she was appy to take me back.
So tomorrow I'll be speaking with my Manager in concessions and letting her know this is what I want. I fiure I'll give them two more weeks in Concessions, that'll keep me there in time for the other Team Lead to come back from her Maternity leave. Then if everything works out I'll be back in the Box Office and I'll just be a Team Member...which...for now at least...I'm okay with.

Babies and Church

Two things I'm not a fan of.

First off, Church.
Not a fan. I'm not against the LDS Church. I just don't necessarily agree with everything they teach. I agree with most of it...just not everything. But that's not the reason I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan of Church because it's boring.
I go out of my mind, and there's only a certain amount of times you can count the ceiling tiles.
I would like it better if we were listening to talks prepared by professionals, or lessons that someone had given more thought to rather than hurriedly jotting something down Saturday evening.
If we had lessons taught by scholars, people who study this stuff on purpose. People who know about the Church and it's history instead of just people who felt really good about what she read in her daily scripture read... I'm just sick of the same thing week after week. And this is my major motivation to stay home and watch a movie, sleep in or pick up that extra shift at work.

And Secondly, Babies.
Babies are gross, and loud.
That's mostly it, the worst part is when someone else thinks you need to care.
As I walk into my house the last thing I actually want is for someone to run up to me and shout " Look a baby!!" and then dump it in my arms.
It is my strong belief that babies are ugly.
Everyone knows this. The only people who think babies are cute are the parents...and everyone who lies to them so they don't hurt their feelings.

All in all, Babies and Church are two things that I try my hardest, every day of my life, to avoid.
So today, I'm not going to Church to see the Baby. All today means is that instead of having to avoid two separate things...I can ignore them both at the same time.

A change in style but not a whole lot else

So I cut my hair. They cut off a good 4 or 5 inches. my hair is not the shortest it's been in nearly 5 years.
And I hate it.
The salt on the wound, of course, is the worst part. I only cut my hair to make a good impression as I went in for a couple of Supervisor interviews at work. less than 24 hours after cutting my hair I found out I was not elligable for any of the positions and would not be asked to come in for any interviews.
I'm still pissed off about it

Screwed again.

It was announced at work that they were opening up a temporary Projectionist position while one of the Projectionists took 8 weeks off for maternity leave.
So naturally I applied.
It was super informal and the interview was more like a chat with the Projection Manager, which was totally cool because I get along with him great.
It seems that I hyped myself up a bit to much though.
I thought I new everyone who had applied, and out of them all I pretty much figured I had the best chance.
However I did not get the position. A Box employee just jumped out of nowhere like a Job Stealing Ninja and got the position, I didn't even know he had applied.
And I have a hard time feeling mad about the whole situation, because he's totally cool and he totally deserves the position.
However I think that the thing that pushed me over the edge on this one, is when the Projection Manager pulled me aside and told me that it was really hard for them to pick between me and him. Basically he told me I was second choice.
My issue with this is the fact that This is the third time I've been told I was Second Choice for a position I really wanted at this company.
It's really got me annoyed.
Sadly I'm looking for a new job more than ever before.

Well, I tried

Took Chelsea on an impromptu camping trip.
I got my my Wednesday shift covered at work and we left Tuesday in hopes to get back on Thursday (today).
Well we made it (almost) to the camp site I planned on. My car couldn't quite make it over the terrain to get all the way to the lake, so we found a nice spot by the creek.
Then it rained. So we set up the tent and air mattress as soon as we could. Turns out the air mattress it too amazing for the tent. The tent sides were super bulged out and we were afraid the tent was going to rip, luckily it didn't.
So because it was raining we just ate some sandwiches and went to bed instead of caring about a fire.
The next morning it was super warm and sunny and fantastic. Not a cloud in the sky, we were all alone and things were pretty great. Then I got sick : P
Constant nausea and a major headache.
We stuck around for a while. We visited the stream, Chelsea got some sun and we sketched a bit. It was super fun except that I felt like crap. In the end we decided to go home early.
So we got back last night. All in all it was good. Except I feel like crap.
Still have a headache too : (

My Showbiz History

Been a while since I've updated! saw this post from a friend and I had to do one!!!


LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Boyz in the Hood, Played Little John as a favor to a friend

LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
A Midsummer Nights Dream, in a class in high school

DID YOU GET IT?
Got the part of Bottom because everyone laughed hysterically when I used my "donkey voice"

LAST SONG/MONOLOGUE YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
"Fat Temple"

FAVORITE MUSICAL(s) EVER:
HAIR!!

FAVORITE PLAY(s) EVER:
Harvey,

FAVORITE ROLE YOU'VE PLAYED, AND FROM WHAT SHOW?
Clyde, from The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. I got to smoke a fake cigar and shoot things from my real slingshot onstage!

FAVORITE ROLE OVERALL THAT I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY:
At this point...Anything Shakespeare that would be good for a fat man!!

SUPERSTITION:
DO NOT whistle backstage or before a show! if you do then Mrs. Fields will yell at you A LOT!!!

YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS:
Finally direct my play : ( plans fell through last time : (

FAVORITE DIRECTOR YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH:
Fieldsy! my best teacher EVER!!

WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW?
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. I was Mr. Beaver

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?
yes. In the King and I.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
no...thank goodness

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
yes. It was cause I missed my cue to come out...I bowed after the directer...but it was ok, he's still my friend.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Yes, but I was on a tour with the Boy Scouts of America so I didn't get to go anywhere cool

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?
Drove through it once.

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
Ever ytime without fail my throat gets dry right before I stand up in front of them

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
auditions suck....not a lot good about them unless you get the part.

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Boyz in the Hood. it was locally written and we only did it so we didn't have to pay royalties.
not to great a show

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
don't really want to do a show for years

WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
might audition for something locally here soon. But I'd really like to direct my play : (

DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?
a lot. mostly cause I knew them in High school

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?
Never been paid to do a show

SOMETHING EMBARASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?
Opening Night of Midsummer... I jumped up on a platform and my modified bell bottom pants slit right up the seam leaving a hole a foot long. I was so nervous I changed all my blocking to face that side of my body away from the audience and I flubbed a few lines.

WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH?
THat dumb lady in charge of some costumes in Beauty and the Beast! I about keeled her!

WHAT IS YOUR ONSTAGE PET PEEVE?
actors not being loud enough : P

WHAT IS YOUR BACKSTAGE PET PEEVE?
Stupid actors or stage crew being in the wings in everyones way when they don't need to be there

EVER BEEN NAKED ONSTAGE? WOULD YOU?
never had...and depending the circumstance... it's possible

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KILLED?
No...I was one of only two characters that survived in Deathtrap!

BEEN DRUNK?
two characters have drunk alcohol on stage... never drunk though

PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?
nope

PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?
when I was 12 Mr. Beaver easily
The Frior and the Sexton in Much Ado about Nothing
Porter Milgrin in Deathtrap

CRIED?
Cried in The King and I...everyone cried...

FIRED A GUN?
nope...set a bunch up for Deathtrap though

BEEN DRENCHED?
nope

BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?
nope

BEEN KISSED?
by six girls...all at the same time In Midsummer!

Surreal and Depressing

Life is surreal and depressing.

I live in my parents basement.....and truth be told I go crazy if I'm there to long talking to people. I spend very little time there during the day. I try to keep all conscious hour in that house confined to the middle of the night so they're all asleep.

I work at a movie theatre.....and while I'm not at the bottom of the ladder it seems that it's becoming more and more difficult to move up. I make 8.50 an hour for Christ's sake! And by the end of the year they're dissolving my position. So I could either move up or step back down and with more and more rungs being taken off the top of the ladder I'm afraid I might have to get off the ladder and try a new one.

I owe money.....to a bank and I haven't been paying it off for a year. Also the bank I've been going through has handed me a credit card/loan that I have kept maxed out for the past 5 months or so. I'm paying my parents more than half of what I make each month and living paycheck to paycheck and it causes a lot more stress that I'd like it too. this also doesn't help when my car gets sick and I have to go crawling to my father to help me get it fixed.

I argue with myself daily.....and yes the therapist has told me to stop it. apparently it's not healthy. I worry constantly about things out of my control. I worry constantly about things that are in my control I'm just too lazy or unmotivated to get around to fixing them. I struggle constantly with the fear that no one loves me while in a crowd of people that all want to ask how I'm doing and what I've been up to. I worry that I'm not a good friend or an inadequate boyfriend while receiving texts and messages asking when I'm free to hang out.

I'm tired of being tired.....and I've finally given up trying to go to bed on time. I'm sick of laying in bed for hours trying to go to sleep. So I run myself ragged until I collapse and sleep through work or an appointment.

I go out of my way to avoid going home.....even if I inconvenience a friend and ruin plans for the day.

I have so many wonderful colours running through my mind. So many stories......I've stopped trying to share them with the world. I can't ever seem to get it right.

I envy everyone. even the people I hate.

SSDD

Well last weekend was fun.
Went down to southern Utah and visited with family for a while.

It was good. I relaxed a lot and spent a lot of time by myself. I got a fair amount of time to write and sketch.

Also got back in touch with quite a few relatives I haven't talked to in ages.

All in all. It was fun. It was good for me. And now I'm back to doing the same thing I always do.
I sleep. I work. I make out. I play video games.

All in all not to bad right now.

Vacation

Luckily I got the three days off work this weekend.

So I'm going to St. George with my Dad.
I think it'll be good for me. I haven't had any sort of vacation for almost two years.
Also it'll be nice to spend more time with my Father whom I rarely talk to anymore. And less time around my mother who lately has been annoying me worse than uptight mormon housewives.....oh wait...

Well we leave Friday morning and I'm glad it's just going to be the two of us. I'm a lot more open to my Dad any of the rest of my family.

I get back Monday morning.
You know it's funny because I feel like going out of town for a few days will mean I'll miss out on hanging out with people or something equally amazing....but I realize that even if I stayed I'd be doing the exact same thing I have been so... that's dumb.

Expounding a Little,,,

A really good friend of mine has me worried.

I saw her again for the first time in a few weeks.
I'm a bit less worried than I was. But I'm still scared for her.

And I hate spending too much time dwelling on her and her lifestyle.
I am no-one to judge. I have my own past and present issues that can make you cringe.

I just worry for her, because she seems not to be at all.

Worried

One of my best friends has me really worried.
She's been going through a lot lately.

We've been really close for a while.

I'm really worried about her.

The Psychoticmilkman has arrived!

I officially own my own small piece of the internets.

as of a couple hours ago I purchased www.psychoticmilkman.com

Nothing is on it yet so don't bother going there. But within the next couple of days I should have a few things.
And eventually my blog will go there and my e-mail will run through there. I'll be starting a film review site and and a few other things. Also a comic which I am currently drawing.

I Have a Headache

I push someone away who I care about deeply, and I know she cares for me.
And I beckon someone closer who I have doubts about.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I want to be able to be alone but I'm afraid of myself.

"Weak, dudes.....Weak!"

So I've been sick the last week.
I pretty much sucked!

normally I get sick once a year and it hits me bad enough I'm down for one day then I'm ok.
This year I've been dragging for a week and it's been pretty terrible.

Also I've been having some pretty crazy dreams the last few days.
my last two dreams were both about a large group of people that all kind of shunned me.
A lot of friends who pretty much banned me and left me to be alone.
Kinda Depressing.

"Well Dammit, I'm cold"

I'm officially sick.

I've had a headache for close to 12 hours.
My nose is stuffy and it burns constantly.
almost threw up a few times...and I'm cold.
I don't get cold. this is what made me finally realize.

Sittintg in a movie just barely and I realized I wished I had another coat. or a blanket.
and it dawned on me.

"well dammit" I says to myself, "I'm cold"

I don't like it.
is this what you all feel like?

Time Out

Last week or so has been really crazy.

I have decided to take some time off.
time off from everyone.
Still do everything normal, work and whatnot, but spend more time alone. I might take a couple days and go camping.
But I need real time to myself.
I don't know who I am, as a person I confuse myself the most.
How can I be comfortable being around people I care about when I don't even know who I am, let alone the kind of influence I have on others.

I tried getting together with my best friend to tell her this.
I turned into a Jackass again and I didn't show up. She got mad, I got mad and we started texting and e-mailing each other a lot of mean things.

I've never had a fight with her before. It scared the hell out of me. I cried a lot knowing I probably blew it with her. I could see myself having a great relationship with her. And if not, She's one of my closest friends.

Things have calmed down and we're not fighting anymore.
I'm not going to rush things this time.
I need to stop rushing into things.

Rumors

There been a few rumors at work flying around.

First there is a Supervisor position opening up that many people want and depending on who gets it will depend on how it affects me.
A Box Office Lead is going for the position...and if he gets it they might replace his position.
And officially The Company will no longer be hiring for any Lead position. they are going to get rid of all lead positions.
But because I'm already a lead in Concessions they might transfer me over.
I've heard they've already thrown my name around a bit.

Also the projectionist that got the position I applied for a couple months ago is pregnant. So in April or May there might be a position available.

These are good things to me.

Sex on the Beach

I love incense.
My mother hates it...
my room is right under my mothers.....
my mother hates incense.

Also my hamster Alpha died yesterday. It was sad but I'm pretty sure it was the fact that I kept my room too cold for too long. I still haven't set up my space heater and she might have frozen.
This is sad.
But I might get another few hamsters pretty soon. Maybe when is warms up a bit.... maybe in like a week. Not sure yet.

2009

It's the new year.
2009.

I misss 2008. but part of me doesn't want to look back.

I'm so tired
I'm tired of feeling like shit.
everyhting I've done has had a reason. I surely can't say they were all good reasons. But I can't keep saying I'm sorry.