Surreal and Depressing

Life is surreal and depressing.

I live in my parents basement.....and truth be told I go crazy if I'm there to long talking to people. I spend very little time there during the day. I try to keep all conscious hour in that house confined to the middle of the night so they're all asleep.

I work at a movie theatre.....and while I'm not at the bottom of the ladder it seems that it's becoming more and more difficult to move up. I make 8.50 an hour for Christ's sake! And by the end of the year they're dissolving my position. So I could either move up or step back down and with more and more rungs being taken off the top of the ladder I'm afraid I might have to get off the ladder and try a new one.

I owe money.....to a bank and I haven't been paying it off for a year. Also the bank I've been going through has handed me a credit card/loan that I have kept maxed out for the past 5 months or so. I'm paying my parents more than half of what I make each month and living paycheck to paycheck and it causes a lot more stress that I'd like it too. this also doesn't help when my car gets sick and I have to go crawling to my father to help me get it fixed.

I argue with myself daily.....and yes the therapist has told me to stop it. apparently it's not healthy. I worry constantly about things out of my control. I worry constantly about things that are in my control I'm just too lazy or unmotivated to get around to fixing them. I struggle constantly with the fear that no one loves me while in a crowd of people that all want to ask how I'm doing and what I've been up to. I worry that I'm not a good friend or an inadequate boyfriend while receiving texts and messages asking when I'm free to hang out.

I'm tired of being tired.....and I've finally given up trying to go to bed on time. I'm sick of laying in bed for hours trying to go to sleep. So I run myself ragged until I collapse and sleep through work or an appointment.

I go out of my way to avoid going home.....even if I inconvenience a friend and ruin plans for the day.

I have so many wonderful colours running through my mind. So many stories......I've stopped trying to share them with the world. I can't ever seem to get it right.

I envy everyone. even the people I hate.

SSDD

Well last weekend was fun.
Went down to southern Utah and visited with family for a while.

It was good. I relaxed a lot and spent a lot of time by myself. I got a fair amount of time to write and sketch.

Also got back in touch with quite a few relatives I haven't talked to in ages.

All in all. It was fun. It was good for me. And now I'm back to doing the same thing I always do.
I sleep. I work. I make out. I play video games.

All in all not to bad right now.