Trying (again) to have a little Meaning

So I auditioned for a play.
Auditioned for a part in "The Odd Couple" at The Historic Empress Theatre down in Magna
(weather The Empress should actually be considered "historic" is obviously not up to me).

I dragged my friend along with me insisting that all we needed was a headshot and resume, however when we turned up they informed us that there was a miscomunication with the e-mails that were sent out and we needed a short something prepared.
No problem, though we all joked about it and they let us do a cold reading from the script.

It was also very nice that they let us audition together. I think it helped a bit.

They asked us both to come to callbacks. So tomorrow I go back.
I hope I get the part. I think it will help me have something to focus on besides just work and how depressed I am that my life is meaningless.
Not that being in a community play will change the world, but at least I'll be contributing to something.

hmmm...gay!

It seems I've reverted back to Jr. High School and anything I don't like gets described as "gay" or "retarded"... that is, of course, when I'm not cussing up a storm.

I've also realized that I'm very upset with myself.
I hate my life and most of what I go through, but I'm so very unmotivated to do anything about it. I end up just sitting and doing nothing waiting for it all to change, which naturally, it doesn't.

I feel very bad for Chelsea, i wonder sometime why it is she puts up with me... more and more lately I've had such bad days that we don't do anything anymore, I just go over to her house, put my head in her lap and pout.
And I'm extremely grateful for her, I'm just more and more mad at myself for ignoring her. I'm constantly reminding myself that she has wants and needs out of this relationship too.
She seems hellbent sometimes on helping my through everything I go through that she's often ignored. Sometimes it scares me how devoted she is to me, when I don't put nearly as much effort into the relationship as she does.

Things are looking up a bit. At least I've noticed these things and I want to work on them.

It's a long boring drive to Stansbury Island

My hand hurts SO bad.
My friend has a 12 gauge shotgun with a pistol grip. so instead of all that force going into a large stock into your shoulder... it all goes through a lot smaller space, right to your wrist.
this past wednesday I pumped 25 shells through the shotgun, my wrist was still sore this morning.
Then we went shooting again today, another 20 or so rounds with the pistol grip...then 50 rounds through a 9mm pistol.

Then while taking pictures I fell off of a rock and caught all of my weight (all 300 Goddamn pounds thank you!) on my fist.
Also this is the same hand that a cat attacked yesterday while I was pulling his tail...go figure

My thumb hurts even when I text : (

In the end though a decent day to blow off some steam
Also my elbow is scraped up and my knee...but not as bad as my hand

November still sucks!

Headache finally went away.
But for some reason I'm having a worse time coping with the Daily Monotinous that is my life.

It's ridiculous how obsessed with movies I am...but for some reason when I'm watchong a movie, or researching an actor or director I like... it helps me calm down. It lets me find a different kind of place of mind.
I'm more decided to get my website up and running than ever before, my main problem is a lack of reliable computer use.
Computer at home is not possible because my parents have everything locked up, and I feel bad going over to my friend's or girlfriend's house to get on and type reviews of movies to post to my site...I already spent a lot of time on their computers, and I feel weird every time I do.

I'm tired of thinking.
and I'm sick of my life.
Going to go watch another movie.
going to go pretend everything is different.

It's been a long November

Already it seems like a lifetime.
Officially, the November of 2009 is the worst month ever!

November 1st I got a headache... it still hasn't gome away.
I think I have a headcold becasue my throat is a bit sore too.

After close to 6 years of refusing to take any sort of medication (even any minor pain relievers) I finally caved, two days of headaches is way too much. I've pumped myself up with so much Ibuprofen it's retarded! and still it has only dropped it to a pain that's tolerable...never has it gone away.

And it's not that I'm against medication in general... It's that medication to a lot of people is just a crutch. I'd like to think that my body can natually get over most ailments on it's own just given some time.
And No, I don't just 'not take medication because I never get a headache'... I'll have you know I go through hell on a very regular basis to prove my point...I guess I'm just slightly mad at myself for finally giving in and taking some damn pills.