Black is bettter than White

It's true, the Black iPhone is better that the White iPhone, so deal with it.
my first iPhone was white, not by choice, it was the only color available at the moment and I wanted it so badly... maybe it was my subconsious that decided to wash my iPhone so I had to replace it with a Black one.
In any case my phone has finally been replaced.
funnily enough instead of just paying retail price ($650) to replace the phone it was cheaper to add a line to my plan and pay only 200 bucks for the new phone and 2 year contract...then switch the lines around so I had the same phone number....so I now have a family plan through Verizon : P
in fact to make it cheaper I got a family plan AND changed my service to a senior citizen plan.....which is weird but hey, 5 bucks less a month.
this works out fine, since I'm planning on moving in with Chelsea in a few months. plus she's looking to get rid of her ATT service and we've talked about getting phone service together...so this works out fine I guess.

In fact I was kind of expecting another anxiety attack to come on after being forced to think about getting on a cell phone family plan and moving in together, but it wasn't that bad.
a few days after I washed my phone I actually had a really bad panic attack. (not directly related to the loss of my precious Apple Product, btw). It was the first anxiety attack I'd had in close to three years, which really sucked.
it made for a terrible work day and a few really bad nights at home alone.
dealing with depression day after day for so many years has, in a way, become easy. I have bad days and good days, but most of the time I'm fine and the day to day boring life that I lead isn't interupted. But a full blown panic attack.....fuck at the best of times I was pacing back and forth my apartment crying because I needed to fix something and I didn't know what or how.

Life as a (semi)responsible adult still freaks me out, but at least I'm looking forward to moving out of the shithole I'm in and into a real apartment with someone I could be fine spending 24 hours a day with.

*cries*

Well, last night was the saddest night of my life.
Here's a breakdown.

9:30 pm: Chelsea and I left Coldstone Creamery and headed back to my apartment (I just needed to throw this part in because Coldstone Ice Cream is fucking delicious).
10:30 pm: it has been decided we shall watch a movie.
10:45 pm: movie has been picked.
11:00 pm: I decided to do a load of laundry before starting the movie.
11:06 pm: empty pockets and strip naked for to load washing machine.
11:10 pm: start washing machine.
11:15 pm: press start on movie.
11:20 pm: joyfully watching film with Chelsea. No worries.
11:28 pm: "where is my phone (iPhone 4S)?"
11:28 pm: instant dread.
11:29 pm: quickly look through every room in my apt.
11:31 pm: dread walking up to the washing machine.
11:32 pm: stop the washing machine.
11:32 pm: open the machine.
11:33 pm: found my iPhone 4S on the bottom on the washing machine sitting, totally immersed, in a couple inches of water.
11:33 pm: total breakdown.
11:35 pm: Chelsea is no longer sleepy, she's just trying to calm me down.
11:36 pm: give Chelsea the phone, start pacing the apartment.
11:38 pm: Chelsea googles things for me
11:40 pm: start frantically searching for rice. I even went upstairs and searched through my landlords kitchen frantically.
11:45 pm: Instant Message my friends frantically hoping they have rice.
12:00 am(ish): Kevin is a hero and arrives with the biggest bag of rice in the world.
12:15 am: commence drowning sorrows in a bucket of Coldstone Sweet Cream Ice Cream (this actually helps).
12:20 am: try watching a funny stand up special on Netflix (Craig Ferguson) in hopes to cheer myself up.
1:30 am: it didn't help.
1:45 am: bed/sleep.
10:00 am: alarm.
10:04 am: sorrow.
10:30 am: Ice Cream (this time it didn't help console me :( but it's still super delicious).
11:00 am - present: Sorrow.

(some witty title comparing and misusing the words 'fair' and 'fare')

So, I had a pretty awful experience in a taxi-cab today.
I've never been in a cab before... This was a first time experience.
Chelsea and I arrived at the Orlando airport and got our luggage with no problem. Went down to the first floor and found the pickup area fine, and with just a little looking found a man sitting at a desk that said Taxi Service. Bingo. There were taxi's all around waiting... No problem.
We approached. The man simply asked our destination, e advised him our hotel name. He confirmed there were just two of us, then handed us a small paper and advised us to go with the cabbie standing nearby. We followed hits a sedan and got in.

Now...taxi's should be simple. There's a meter that calculates everything so you nor the cabbie have to. 
You should be able to get in. Arrive at your destination, pay. And have a nice day. 
Apparently that's too hard. 

The ride was fine. Tat cabbie said nothing, just drove very directly to our hotel. 
When we arrived he stopped and stated "total is 36.75"
I asked, "you take card, right?"
He Sid nothing for a moment and then mumbled something incoherently.

Let me pause the story to be a little racist. Yes the man was black....this did not affect his driving. He drove great, I wasn't as scared as I though I'd be, he only barely ever rose 1 or 2 miles above the speed limit. It was fine. However,it suddenly became clear that English was not his native language. And if it was...it had been so tarnished by some crazy Orlando-cabbie-loafer-wearing-slang that MADE NO SENSE TO NORMAL PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO SPEAK!!!

I was perplexed by his answer and I was still unsure if he would take my card. I reframed my question... "oh, so you don't take card?" 
"he responded with more jibber-jabber and concluded with words that sounded like "need little paper."
I thought he meant he needed that slip of paper I was handed earlier...I went to hand it to him. Finally he turned and looked at me. Ad he gave me the most evil look in the word. He looked at me as if I was incredibly stupid and had no idea what was going on (I didn't). 
"No!" he almost screamed, "(jibberish jibberish jibberish, little slidey paper!!!" he made a motion like a old credit card reader, the kind with like 5 layers of carbon receipt paper.
I was again perplexed but this made me believe that he could in fact take my card. So I handed it to him.
Again he looked at me like I was trying to hand him a bomb. 

Now, normally I think I would have handed him cash earlier...my main reasoning for trying so desperately to pay with my card is because this trip was a gift. I won it in a company drawing. The transportation to ad from the airport is part of the gift, but I have to pay for it, and they're going to reimburse me. So what I was really after was a goddamned receipt. 

Finally I gave up. The total was $36 and some change so whatever, I handed him 2 twenties. After I handed it over he pressed another button on the damn meter to add the tax. Total was suddenly 39.50. 
Not wanting to continuously look the fool I then grabbed another 5 bucks ad handed it to him. I stated "and that's for you"
he looked at it...and looked back at me...then slooooooowly took it. It's like this man didn't know what money was. It was fucking weird, and he was incredibly snooty about it. 

If my High School graduate math is correct (failed algebra twice BTW) then 5.50 Isn't quite 15% of 40 bucks, and apparently cabbies expect between 15 and 20 percent....but this guy kinda was an ass...and offered no help whatsoever to two travelers who've OBVIOUSLY never Been in a damn cab before!!

Upon reflection (and 30 minutes of research on the Internet) I've decided to only attempt to pay cash from now on for a cab (even though the cab company's website confirmed that they take Visa....that crazy asshole!!). Pretty much everyone in the world advises to pay for cabs with cash. 
We'll probably have to take a cable 3 or four more times on this trip....I hope it goes better....and I hope our future cabbies can speak English

A Day in the Life of Jason

~WARNING~
I don't hold back. This is who I am. I am not G-Rated.
Seriously, don't keep reading if you want to keep your Image of me as a wonderful boy in your mind.


I woke up to the cat kneading his untrimmed claws on my thigh. I shoved him off the bed. I rolled over and grabbed my iPod to check the time. I was 9:45. Roughly 30 seconds later Trigger (cat) jumped back on the bed and walked straight up to my face to sniff me. I scratched his neck for roughly 0.3 seconds then shoved him away again. I then burried my face in my down pillow (IKEA) and wished I could easily fall back asleep. Trigger then made his way to the area between my legs and curled up in that awkward way cats do. There he lay satisfied for about 2 minutes. Then he got back up. And crawled onto my body. He slowly edged his way towards me until he was up on the back of my neck.
This is where we have the first word of the day. In a deep manly growl I groaned the work "fuck" in a slow drawn out moan. At the same time I quickly rolled over so that Trigger had to jump free of myself and the bed, lest he be squished like a cat under a fat man.

Trigger ran from the room towards his food dish as I grabbed my glasses and iPod and made my way to the bathroom for my morning dump.
After finishing my business and catching up on the news (Twitter and Facebook mostly) I finally went out and fed the cat. For 5 whole minutes he was quite and I was his God.

At this time I turned on my amazing 40" TV, and turned on my girlfriends PS3 which I borrowed because I have a beautiful 40" LCD TV...and she does not. For a split second I battled myself by deciding what movie to watch. Then I lost the battle and started watching an episode of Cheers on Netflix, because Cheers is hardcore, and sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...okay!?!

at about 10:30 there was a knock on the door and a call to my phone at the same time. It was then I remembered that I promised the upstairs white-trash tenants that they could do laundry this morning. So I unlocked the door and they did that. Guh.

For breakfast I decided to eat some of my roommates bacon...cause that's how we roll. So I cooked bacon. It was kind of like heaven in a frying pan. I then decided I wanted toast with my bacon, but instead of being smart and toasting some bread in the toaster, I put it in the bacon grease coverd pan to toast them that way. Now, I have done this before...but never to the extent of his morning. There was so much grease that two pieces of bread soaked up all that it could, and there was still a lot left over.
Then I ate it. The bacon was wonderful, the first piece of toast...well it was fine, the second.....well I think I died a little, and my throat because thoroughly coated in grease. Naturally I washed it down with a can of Mt. dew And a cup of Chocolate Milk. It was a scary breakfast.

Then I texted my girlfriend naughty things while she was on her lunch break at work. Because of this I started thinking about her naked body, which is awesome btw.

Then my roommate got up and there was more Cheers.

Then around 12:30 the roommate left for work.
At this point I got out my laptop, the browser popped up and then there was DeviantArt, it seems that last night I had fallen asleep browsing DeviantArt, I had a search up for "mermaids" because mermaids are freaking cool and i've been looking for inspiration or some shit like that. Now, DeviantArt is a place where anyone can post anything....so yeah a lot of nudity, which I think is fine. Because let's face it. I'm a guy and breasts are attractive. So as I resumed my browsing of topless mermaids (don't judge, there are worse fantasies), I started thinking about sex again and promplty started imagining all the dirty things I could do to my girlfriend later.

Then I played with my Nintendo 3DS, I updated my system and successfully stopped myself from spending money on new games they updated in the DS store. Then I played Zelda and watched The Roast of Bob Saget on Netflix. This thing was pretty funny.

When my white-trash neighbors finally finished their laundry at 2pm I got inthe shower and then almost trimmed my beard (note: ALMOST...I still need to do this thing).

Then I drove to work. During my drive I listened to the latest Smodcast and thought about sex some more.
I quickly found that I was thirsty, all I had in my car was half a gallon of water which had been sitting in the sun all morning. So I stopped by the McDonalds next to my work and bought one of their new Pineapple Mango Smoothies, which was good, but not amazing.

Then went to work and drank my smoothie.
At work I sat at station 3, right next the printer. Which means two things.
1. Every lazy fuck asks you to hand them their printouts.
2. Everyone who isn't a lazy fuck gets all up in your space and sticks their ass in your face to get their printouts.
Today I was the only male in the Respose Center (except maybe the manager, but we're pretty sure he's either gay, or totally nonsexual, so he doesn't count) this meant that the only non lazy fucks getting their own printouts and sticking their asses in my face were girls.

So then I started thinking about this girls ass...but she's the most annoying person ever. So I stopped.
Then another girl walked past and I thought about her ass for a while. But then I remembered she's super gay. So then I was distracted and started thinking about my girlfriends ass again. Then I got an erection and was forced to turn back towards my desk until it went away.

You know, it made me feel really cool that I only got hard when I thought about my girlfriends ass, and not while I was staring at everyone elses. I rewarded myself by daydreaming about sex for a while.

It was soon after this (oddly enough) that I decided to write this post describing my day in detail.
It's kind of funny to me because just about every day at work I plan my nights in great detail, then I go home and never do what I planned.

At about 4:30pm, while at work. I belched. This was problematic. I'd like you all to promise now that you will never eat bacon then bacon-greased toast and then drink a Pineapple Mango Smoothie, because when you belch after. It's fucking gross.

Then there was more work.
Then work slowed down around 7:30 or so. It was a good night, in the evening there were only a few of us, all cool people. We finished all the work and then sat around and talked about lots of things. Politics, religion, premarital sex, drugs, stupid drug addicts, marriage...things like that. It was nice because we can discuss things like normal people. We can have debates about things we disagree on, but for the most part a lot of us see things eye-to-eye. (Librals)

Then I had a cool idea to text an old buddy and see if we could set up a double date like get-together this weekend cause I havn't see him in forever and I love him also his wife is pretty sweet even though I barely know her. He texted me back, he has to discuss it with his wife first...sigh. But I'm hopefull.

there was more texting with the girlfriend, slightly less sexual this time.

Then suddenly it was 11 pm. I clocked out and promptly (rushed out so I didn't have to be the one to take out the garbage) drove to Wendy's and ate a chicken sammich and a root beer float.

Drove home and listened to more Smodcast while drinking said delicious root beer float.
Got home and the roommate was watching a movie with his friend. The aspect ratio on the DVD player was off, so I obsessed with fixing it for a few minutes while totally interrupting they're special movie time. Then...after a while I gave up, so whatever. It's probably a weird setting that got changed. It'll change it later.

Then I went to my room, where I imediately stripped to my purple boxer briefs and layer in my bed. Whipped out the laptop again, and this time headed to YouTube to listen to The Book of Mormon Musical. I mostly decided to do this because I was in the middle of an odd sort of discussion/debate with a few people on Facebook about it. It seems a few super Mormons (Conservatives) don't like that two really funny fellows can write a well thought out satirical musical about religion (MORMONS).
11 Tony Awards by the way. I don't care if you don't like content. Or if you can't understand poking fun of something you respect but still think is hysterical. Or if you just assume it's mean spirited because your religious newspaper claimed it was even though you never listened to it to see for yourself. I don't care, but don't claim it's no good when it fucking dominated the Tony's.

And that brings us to the end of the day, I'm sure I missed some parts due to the fact that my memory isn't perfect. And that I can't type that much. But there it is...gonna lay in bed and listen to more music, maybe play some Minecraft, maybe think about my girlfriend and masturbate. Whatever I do it will be amazing.

Maybe if enough of you tell me not to I'll never do this again.

Sleep

My girlfriend sleeps a lot.
I'm jealous.
Last night she went to bed around 1:30 am. It's now almost 1pm and she's slept for most of that. At least 11 hours of sleep, and the only reason it won't be more is because I turned the light on and stole the blanket.
I was up until 5 am, I went to bed and laid there for at least an hour before falling asleep. Then I woke up at 8 am, then fell back asleep half an hour later, then I woke up at about 11:30, and that was a really good night. I got a little more than 6 hours of sleep.

Ugh, I'm tired and just want to sleep more : (

Drinking Game

This one made a Drinking game Meme about his life. His is silly, go look at it.

So decided to as well.

Alcohol of choice...Smirnoff Vokda I suggest Smirnoff Twisted, in Vanilla, Watermelon, Raspberry or Mango.

Take a shot if:

-Jason talks about how depressed he is (including tweets about how bad his day is).
-Jason buys a new DVD (including depression induced Amazon sprees).
-Jason quotes a movie, then proceeds to explain which movie and talk about how you should go watch it as you stare at him blankly.
-Jason buys a comic book.
-Jason buys extravagant and pointless electronics for kicks (two shots if it's a new Apple product).
-Jason complains about his girlfriends cat who lives with him.


Maybe another shot if Jason ever gets more that 5 hours of sleep a night...but we all know that's never going to happen.


On a completely different note. I woke up at the Girlfriend's place today, went to take a shower and found Suave Shampoo...this in unacceptable. Suave Shampoo is for poor people and Charlie Sheen. I demand Garnier Fructis.

But at least I'm having a good enough day that the worst thing I can complain about his how my girlfriend is using the wrong brand of shampoo.

Energy Solutions Arena stole all my energy.

The Woman and I went and saw Bon Jovi at Energy Solutions Arena last night (it will forever be The Delta Center to me). It was a great show.

Our seats were at the very top.....seriously..the very top. And those steps are steeper than normal stairs.
Made me realize I was very out of shape, which...I already knew, but now everyone I sat next to became aware.

In the end our sears didn't matter, we stood up most the concert and had a great time.

And now I blog about it on my new iPad
Because I loves it so damn much!!

Proper Fanboy Status Acheived!

So, for pretty much all my life I've considered myself a gamer. I grew up with all the incarnations of the nintendo and gameboy systems, and I had friends a plenty with every other system.
I have my own Nintendo wii and fully plan on purchasing the Nintendo 3DS in March.
Also my Girlfriend recently purchased a Playstaion 3 and (within the last year) an Xbox 360....so, Gamer status fully recognized.

Morso than a gamer. I consider myself a film conniseur. I review movies (sometimes) and obsess about all the new ones. I study actors and directors, and have massed a decent sized DVD collection over the last few years that is continually growing.

What is one very important thing that Video Games and Movies have in common.

Yes, a television.
And not any television. A Widescreen 40" HD 1080p 120hz LCD Television.

Now, the TV I've been rockin for the last 5 years is fine. just a nice flatscreen 24" (heavy bastard). And it's been fine. it has a few spots on the screen that turn green if it's been on for more than 3 hours...but it works.
that said....it's a peice of crap. My movies and video games deserved more. And now that I have a Widescreen 40" HD 1080p 120hz LCD Television I know that.
Even without any high definition settings turned on...everything is so pretty.
Now that I have a ridiculously nice television I love watching movies and playing video games more than ever!

Christmasy Crap.

Okay...I don't HATE Christmas...but it's not my favorite. And the asshole that I sometimes am hates that it's the most popular holiday, which mean it's most peoples favorite.
And for some reason they all get mad at me and say I need to get into the Chistmas Spirit when I grumble that radio stations start playing Christmas Music the day after Halloween.
(Hell! this year Wal*Mart put up a tree and Christmas isle the week BEFORE halloween!)

you know what I say to them....nothing, cause I'm too nice a person...but I want to shout "SCREW YOU".

As I claimed before...I don't hate Christmas. And about December 10th or 11th I start feeling like it's Christmastime. But it's not all warm and touching or lifechanging at all. it's just a time where we buy gifts for the people we love (not everyone I work with, or every person I've met this year) and spend time letting them know we apreciate them. I grew up with plenty of Christmas Traditions...and I believe I broke most of them this year, which I'm okay with.

I had I good time. I spent the morning with my girlfriend. we exchanged presents, ate junk food and had a great morning. Then I went to work, because noone else wanted to...and they paid me double-time and a half to be there....so duh.

(Then after work I drove down to Central Utah to visit my family that moved very far away.)

All in all not a bad weekend.
But lets not dwell on it or repeat it for at least a year.

Mua ha ha!!

Totally picked up the new iPod Touch 4th Generation a couple days ago. And it's super delicious.
Only 300 bucks and as long as I have wi-fi I have everything I could possibly want...and it fits in my pocket. It's still easier to write out long documents or blog entries on the lappy, but things like Facebook are amazing on the iPod. The application makes it way easier and cleaner to navigate and maintain. Twitter is no longer clogging up my phone's inbox and at a moments notice I have dozens of game possibilities...give me a few minutes and I have thousand of game opportunities.
And while I do all this I can listen to my music or a podcast.
Because I pretty much have wi-fi wherever I go...this works out well. Plus Chelsea got one too...and if we are both online we have free facetime. Which turns out to be the fastest video chat I've ever used.
Loving this.
And don't get me started on the gyro in the device, I've fallen in love.

This post is not about Steampunk.

Had a depressing sort of realization moment.
For the past 4 years or so I've actively kept contact with some very specific people.
A handful of friends I've wanted to keep in contact with. probably a total of 5 or 6 people that I continually text, or email, or call one or twice a month at least. And they've all communicated back. we hang out every once in a while...

but I've stopped now.

Part of me just doesn't care anymore. They weren't going out of their way to keep in contact with me. And so why was I putting so much effort into this. It was obviously a lot of different reasons. Some were people I just thought were really cool. others we were once really good friends. a few were people I had a really big crush on and part of that never went away.

I believe part of why I stopped has something to do with Chelsea. I a good way I guess. I've spent the last three years dating her and continually convincing myself I don't want to get 100% attached. I don't want things to get too permanent. in the last three years I've broken up with her twice.
I love her to death, and I don't want to leave her, but I never wanted to close off any options.
The last few weeks, about a month or so I guess have been both amazing with Chelsea and pretty difficult for me. But the whole time I've loved it, She's been there for me, I've I want to be there for her.

I guess I'm sort of making this a bit of a bigger deal than it is just by putting it into words. And for all I know this whole post makes no sense.
In fact I'm not going to go back and reread any of this post because I'll be tempted to change or remove somethings.

Oh, and I bought some excellent Steampunk goggles that I'm excited to mod and make super cool.

Best night ever!!!

My favorite band came to town.
I didn't know what day they'd be here until a couple days before the show...and out of pure luck I had the night off.
I bought tickets and surprised Chelsea.

Seeing LUDO play live was amazing. It's hard to describe what an amazing experience it was.

First off the show was opened by Tommy and the High Pilots, who I'd never heard of previously, but they did a great job. when they finished I went out and bought both of the CD's they had avaialable, I even bought them from the lead singer and had a chance to compliment him... I almost asked him to sign the cd's for me, but I decided against it...however I regret not asking him to now. Little did I know at the time but the lead Singer for Tommy and the High Pilots was standing in as bass player for LUDO for the tour. And on top of that, the drummer for LUDO is the same drummer for Tommy and the High Pilots....and I didn't even notice.
So I realize now that I liked the band because they share two members from my favorite band...and if I had done any research before the show I would have realized this and geeked out and had them sign the damn CD's I bought from them...but whatever.

Even greater than the amazing music LUDO performed, they have amazing crowd skills.
The coolest moment of the night was when they had everyone in the crowd sit on the floor and they came out and sat in the middle of us all and played "Love Me Dead" acoustically while we all sang along.

We had the best time,
Chelsea and I are totally set on seeing LUDO every time they're in town.

eh?

There's a cat in The Man Cave.

I've actually toyed with the idea of getting a newborn kitten to raise. But alas it is not a new cat. Actually it's my girlfriend's cat. It didn't become mine now that it lives with my (and roomie) he's still her baby, she's had him for many years.
It was just a lot cheaper for him to live here rather than her apartment, and this way I get a cuddly cat to live with and she gets to see him more often, because she's over here a whole lot more that at her parents house.

It's odd though. After he moved in I had a day or so where I felt a little freaked out. For those of you who know about my girlfriend and I's relationship....well lets just say I don't like to go so far into anything as to make it look like a committed relationship, I just don't want to make it seem permanent. don't get me wrong I love her to death, but lets just say I'm not ready to commit.

Anyway, her cat living here is kind of a commitment. not a let's get married, or a let's move in together. But still, if things go sour, the cat's living arrangement has to be moved around and settled upon (she's get the cat BTW, no argument) but it makes things a bit more complicated.

I'm pretty much over it and fine now. But it's been an odd week.

On the opposite side of that, I loves him and he rocks as a pet. except he peed on the bathroom mat just to prove to me it's time to REALLY clean the litter box, not just hide the cat shits with more litter.
I'ma go do that now.

This Just in....

I'm spending a lot of time playing video games.
Not that I regret this, cause I don't, but it's different.

growing up I would play an hour or so and be done. I had two days off work in a row...I did nothing but play Ocarina of Time on my Nintendo 64. Sometimes I would take small breaks to play a level or two of Lego Harry Potter on the Wii, or Lego Star Wars :D

I didn't sleep at all for 38ish hours, and I ate only Tostino's Party Pizza's and drank Mountain Dew.
It was one of the most amazing times of my life.
Also it was cool because I played through OOT using a walkthrough so I managed to get every little thing possible.

And of course as I had to get a couple hours of sleep and go to work the next day I went through my normal I-feel-like-shit-because-my-life-is-pointless-and-I've-never-contributed-to-anything-important mood. But overall I feel good about it. Because as much as people are expecting me to grow up, get married, stop making "That's what she said" jokes...stop groping my girlfriend in public... you know, things like that, I figure I'm single and have few enough responsibilities I'm allowed these moments.

hmmm...gay!

It seems I've reverted back to Jr. High School and anything I don't like gets described as "gay" or "retarded"... that is, of course, when I'm not cussing up a storm.

I've also realized that I'm very upset with myself.
I hate my life and most of what I go through, but I'm so very unmotivated to do anything about it. I end up just sitting and doing nothing waiting for it all to change, which naturally, it doesn't.

I feel very bad for Chelsea, i wonder sometime why it is she puts up with me... more and more lately I've had such bad days that we don't do anything anymore, I just go over to her house, put my head in her lap and pout.
And I'm extremely grateful for her, I'm just more and more mad at myself for ignoring her. I'm constantly reminding myself that she has wants and needs out of this relationship too.
She seems hellbent sometimes on helping my through everything I go through that she's often ignored. Sometimes it scares me how devoted she is to me, when I don't put nearly as much effort into the relationship as she does.

Things are looking up a bit. At least I've noticed these things and I want to work on them.

Well, I tried

Took Chelsea on an impromptu camping trip.
I got my my Wednesday shift covered at work and we left Tuesday in hopes to get back on Thursday (today).
Well we made it (almost) to the camp site I planned on. My car couldn't quite make it over the terrain to get all the way to the lake, so we found a nice spot by the creek.
Then it rained. So we set up the tent and air mattress as soon as we could. Turns out the air mattress it too amazing for the tent. The tent sides were super bulged out and we were afraid the tent was going to rip, luckily it didn't.
So because it was raining we just ate some sandwiches and went to bed instead of caring about a fire.
The next morning it was super warm and sunny and fantastic. Not a cloud in the sky, we were all alone and things were pretty great. Then I got sick : P
Constant nausea and a major headache.
We stuck around for a while. We visited the stream, Chelsea got some sun and we sketched a bit. It was super fun except that I felt like crap. In the end we decided to go home early.
So we got back last night. All in all it was good. Except I feel like crap.
Still have a headache too : (

Christmas times.

So the first thing I open....the missionary handbook/discussion book and all the missionary pamphlets.

that amazes me. I had figured my parents had finally accepted the fact that I wasn't going on a mission and that I just didn't want to be involved with the church right now.

I can accept this as a gift on any other day, but they wrapped it up and put it under that tree...like that's going to make me ignore it and forget about it any less.

Well the rest of Christmas wasn't too bad. I got a new tent and I can't wait to go camping soon, it's been way too long.

Anyways work on Christmas was crazy insane, But I didn't have to close so it was ok.

Also I talked to Chelsea Christmas night.
Fist phone conversation since we broke up.
It was really nice. It wasn't awkward and it was very enjoyable.
It also sorta set in stone the realization that do need to stay apart for a while.

Friend?

So I have this friend.
I've known her for years. And over the past two years or so we've gotten a lot closer, especially the last six months.
She has confessed feelings for me recently.
And I don't know what to do.
I care for her a lot, and while a relationship with her would be nice, I'm against anything too serious right now. I need to not be in a steady relationship and I need to date other people. I want to date lots of people. But I find myself wanting to spend more time with her.

I also feel guilty, because I just ended a relationship with an amazing girl. I ended it because it had gotten very serious and I'm not ready for that. To be thinking of someone else so soon frightens me.
In fact it makes me think of myself as an incredible asshole.

I'm not in love, that should count for something I guess. And while a relationship with this girl would be amazing, I can see some major complications sometime near September.

I would love to live without regret, I don't think my type of personality will allow it.
And while it's true I wouldn't change my past if I could, I still regret things.

Merry Christmas to me?

So... my Aunt gave my mom her old phone, and my mom gave my sister her old phone so my sister gave me the piece of crap that's falling apart that she had.
So I probably won't be buying a new phone for a bit. But in a few days here I will activate the "new" piece of junk I have obtained.
That way I can text people again. I kinda miss it.
Also my manager at work can stop complaining that sh can't get a hold of me whenever she wants too.
For some reason I have no sympathy for her. If I wanted her to be able to get a hold of me I'd give her my house phone.
She's super annoying too. I'm getting tired of pretending to be interested in her long boring stories just to be on her good side. But this is a better alternative than slapping her across the face.

On a different note. I chatted with Chelsea just a few minutes ago. It was nice. we played a game of online scrabble and talked.
I miss talking to her.

A Slow Terrible Day

Work was considerably slower than any other Saturday.
I guess it's because there is actually snow now.

I'm glad I didn't have to stay late though, the rest probably won't get out until 1 AM.
But I have to be back at 9 AM so I can learn early morning prep, so I can open alone on Tuesday because my Manager and both my Supervisors are taking that day off, and for some reason I've become their Go-To Guy for anything Pizza Hut related.

The last 5 of my shifts have been in The New Pizza Hut part of Concessions, which I guess I'm OK with, it's easy busy work and I don't have to deal to much with the guests. Today, though, was pretty terrible. We were incredibly overstaffed so everyone had to come over and notice that I wasn't smiling. It got annoying really fast. I guess I've learned how to put on a pretty good fake smile over the years. Just so happens on the day I can't bring myself to fake a smile my Supervisor decides she needs to hang around me the whole 6 hours.

Chelsea and I broke up last night... it was about 1 in the morning, until about 3:30 I think, I didn't sleep after that, and now I have work again in 9 ish hours and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep or not. I'm exhausted, sure, but I'm having a hard time thinking strait. We were together 1 year and 7 1/2 months... that's not a short amount of time.

About 4 other employees just wouldn't let me be today, every two minutes they had to come see if I was still sad. constantly making stupid joke in efforts to cheer me up, I guess I'm glad they care, but I just wanted to be left alone.
In fact my supervisor pushed so hard to find out what was going on I actually started crying. God, it's been a long time since I've cried in public.