Black is bettter than White

It's true, the Black iPhone is better that the White iPhone, so deal with it.
my first iPhone was white, not by choice, it was the only color available at the moment and I wanted it so badly... maybe it was my subconsious that decided to wash my iPhone so I had to replace it with a Black one.
In any case my phone has finally been replaced.
funnily enough instead of just paying retail price ($650) to replace the phone it was cheaper to add a line to my plan and pay only 200 bucks for the new phone and 2 year contract...then switch the lines around so I had the same phone number....so I now have a family plan through Verizon : P
in fact to make it cheaper I got a family plan AND changed my service to a senior citizen plan.....which is weird but hey, 5 bucks less a month.
this works out fine, since I'm planning on moving in with Chelsea in a few months. plus she's looking to get rid of her ATT service and we've talked about getting phone service together...so this works out fine I guess.

In fact I was kind of expecting another anxiety attack to come on after being forced to think about getting on a cell phone family plan and moving in together, but it wasn't that bad.
a few days after I washed my phone I actually had a really bad panic attack. (not directly related to the loss of my precious Apple Product, btw). It was the first anxiety attack I'd had in close to three years, which really sucked.
it made for a terrible work day and a few really bad nights at home alone.
dealing with depression day after day for so many years has, in a way, become easy. I have bad days and good days, but most of the time I'm fine and the day to day boring life that I lead isn't interupted. But a full blown panic attack.....fuck at the best of times I was pacing back and forth my apartment crying because I needed to fix something and I didn't know what or how.

Life as a (semi)responsible adult still freaks me out, but at least I'm looking forward to moving out of the shithole I'm in and into a real apartment with someone I could be fine spending 24 hours a day with.

X-Men Flashbacks

I, like most film critics and geeks, wasn't expecting much from X-Men: First Class. I had every intention of going to see it, I had just expected something closer to "The Last Stand" which I try not to think about.

Now, there were plenty of issues I had with the show.
But surprisingly I was able to look past most of them. I became more engrossed in the film than I ever excepted. And I enjoyed every minute watching this movie.

First off, Magneto Is a badass! We all knew this of course...but Michael Fassbender was fantastic!

Secondly, they managed to make The Banshee a cool character, I always thought he was an annoying character, but damn funny in this movie.

It's hard to stress how pleased I was with the film, and it might just have been because my expectations were so low. Even so, by the end of the film I was literally on the edge of my seat.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about the movie since watching it this morning. It's really brought me back to everything i've always loved about The X-Men, and it shows all the fun potential a real "comic book" movie can be, including your cheesy morals and silly one liners squeezed in.
While reliving all my crazy superhero fantasies I couldn't stop thinking about the X-Men animated series from the 90's, which everyone agrees was easily the best one.



Well, one quick Amazon search later....and all five seasons are on their way. 60 bucks for the entire series....yeah, I'd say it's worth it.

A letter

I'm afraid to lay down next to you at night.
I don't want to disturb your peaceful rest. You lay so still, you hardly move. This is who you really are, and I'm afraid you'll see who I really am.
I am not peaceful, I'm fully of worry and regret. It keeps me up all hours of the night. I have to distract myself. I read until I'm exhausted enough to sleep. If I didn't then I would just lay there thinking. And we know what happens to me when I think.
I worry.
I have a big imagination, but I only seem to imagine the worst things that could happen. I have a shoty memory, and I only seem to remember the worst things I've done. Everything is fine now, but I always seem to worry about everything that could go wrong. Everything that I could do wrong. Everything that I will do wrong.
I lay for hours, and my thoughts make it even longer. And when I finally drift off...I sleep fitfully. I tumble through sleep haphazardly. I disturb you. I can feel it. And it tears me up to see you wake before you're ready.
Then I wake up.
Hours before you do. You're comfortable and content. I'm afraid of rolling into you. I get up so as to not worry about trying to fall asleep again, I don't have it in me to put you through that twice a night.
When you get up, you're rested and beautiful.
I feel worse. I dread the long day, and tonight...tonight we'll do it all again.

This post is not about Steampunk.

Had a depressing sort of realization moment.
For the past 4 years or so I've actively kept contact with some very specific people.
A handful of friends I've wanted to keep in contact with. probably a total of 5 or 6 people that I continually text, or email, or call one or twice a month at least. And they've all communicated back. we hang out every once in a while...

but I've stopped now.

Part of me just doesn't care anymore. They weren't going out of their way to keep in contact with me. And so why was I putting so much effort into this. It was obviously a lot of different reasons. Some were people I just thought were really cool. others we were once really good friends. a few were people I had a really big crush on and part of that never went away.

I believe part of why I stopped has something to do with Chelsea. I a good way I guess. I've spent the last three years dating her and continually convincing myself I don't want to get 100% attached. I don't want things to get too permanent. in the last three years I've broken up with her twice.
I love her to death, and I don't want to leave her, but I never wanted to close off any options.
The last few weeks, about a month or so I guess have been both amazing with Chelsea and pretty difficult for me. But the whole time I've loved it, She's been there for me, I've I want to be there for her.

I guess I'm sort of making this a bit of a bigger deal than it is just by putting it into words. And for all I know this whole post makes no sense.
In fact I'm not going to go back and reread any of this post because I'll be tempted to change or remove somethings.

Oh, and I bought some excellent Steampunk goggles that I'm excited to mod and make super cool.

eh?

There's a cat in The Man Cave.

I've actually toyed with the idea of getting a newborn kitten to raise. But alas it is not a new cat. Actually it's my girlfriend's cat. It didn't become mine now that it lives with my (and roomie) he's still her baby, she's had him for many years.
It was just a lot cheaper for him to live here rather than her apartment, and this way I get a cuddly cat to live with and she gets to see him more often, because she's over here a whole lot more that at her parents house.

It's odd though. After he moved in I had a day or so where I felt a little freaked out. For those of you who know about my girlfriend and I's relationship....well lets just say I don't like to go so far into anything as to make it look like a committed relationship, I just don't want to make it seem permanent. don't get me wrong I love her to death, but lets just say I'm not ready to commit.

Anyway, her cat living here is kind of a commitment. not a let's get married, or a let's move in together. But still, if things go sour, the cat's living arrangement has to be moved around and settled upon (she's get the cat BTW, no argument) but it makes things a bit more complicated.

I'm pretty much over it and fine now. But it's been an odd week.

On the opposite side of that, I loves him and he rocks as a pet. except he peed on the bathroom mat just to prove to me it's time to REALLY clean the litter box, not just hide the cat shits with more litter.
I'ma go do that now.

Friend?

So I have this friend.
I've known her for years. And over the past two years or so we've gotten a lot closer, especially the last six months.
She has confessed feelings for me recently.
And I don't know what to do.
I care for her a lot, and while a relationship with her would be nice, I'm against anything too serious right now. I need to not be in a steady relationship and I need to date other people. I want to date lots of people. But I find myself wanting to spend more time with her.

I also feel guilty, because I just ended a relationship with an amazing girl. I ended it because it had gotten very serious and I'm not ready for that. To be thinking of someone else so soon frightens me.
In fact it makes me think of myself as an incredible asshole.

I'm not in love, that should count for something I guess. And while a relationship with this girl would be amazing, I can see some major complications sometime near September.

I would love to live without regret, I don't think my type of personality will allow it.
And while it's true I wouldn't change my past if I could, I still regret things.