*cries*

Well, last night was the saddest night of my life.
Here's a breakdown.

9:30 pm: Chelsea and I left Coldstone Creamery and headed back to my apartment (I just needed to throw this part in because Coldstone Ice Cream is fucking delicious).
10:30 pm: it has been decided we shall watch a movie.
10:45 pm: movie has been picked.
11:00 pm: I decided to do a load of laundry before starting the movie.
11:06 pm: empty pockets and strip naked for to load washing machine.
11:10 pm: start washing machine.
11:15 pm: press start on movie.
11:20 pm: joyfully watching film with Chelsea. No worries.
11:28 pm: "where is my phone (iPhone 4S)?"
11:28 pm: instant dread.
11:29 pm: quickly look through every room in my apt.
11:31 pm: dread walking up to the washing machine.
11:32 pm: stop the washing machine.
11:32 pm: open the machine.
11:33 pm: found my iPhone 4S on the bottom on the washing machine sitting, totally immersed, in a couple inches of water.
11:33 pm: total breakdown.
11:35 pm: Chelsea is no longer sleepy, she's just trying to calm me down.
11:36 pm: give Chelsea the phone, start pacing the apartment.
11:38 pm: Chelsea googles things for me
11:40 pm: start frantically searching for rice. I even went upstairs and searched through my landlords kitchen frantically.
11:45 pm: Instant Message my friends frantically hoping they have rice.
12:00 am(ish): Kevin is a hero and arrives with the biggest bag of rice in the world.
12:15 am: commence drowning sorrows in a bucket of Coldstone Sweet Cream Ice Cream (this actually helps).
12:20 am: try watching a funny stand up special on Netflix (Craig Ferguson) in hopes to cheer myself up.
1:30 am: it didn't help.
1:45 am: bed/sleep.
10:00 am: alarm.
10:04 am: sorrow.
10:30 am: Ice Cream (this time it didn't help console me :( but it's still super delicious).
11:00 am - present: Sorrow.

This post is not about Steampunk.

Had a depressing sort of realization moment.
For the past 4 years or so I've actively kept contact with some very specific people.
A handful of friends I've wanted to keep in contact with. probably a total of 5 or 6 people that I continually text, or email, or call one or twice a month at least. And they've all communicated back. we hang out every once in a while...

but I've stopped now.

Part of me just doesn't care anymore. They weren't going out of their way to keep in contact with me. And so why was I putting so much effort into this. It was obviously a lot of different reasons. Some were people I just thought were really cool. others we were once really good friends. a few were people I had a really big crush on and part of that never went away.

I believe part of why I stopped has something to do with Chelsea. I a good way I guess. I've spent the last three years dating her and continually convincing myself I don't want to get 100% attached. I don't want things to get too permanent. in the last three years I've broken up with her twice.
I love her to death, and I don't want to leave her, but I never wanted to close off any options.
The last few weeks, about a month or so I guess have been both amazing with Chelsea and pretty difficult for me. But the whole time I've loved it, She's been there for me, I've I want to be there for her.

I guess I'm sort of making this a bit of a bigger deal than it is just by putting it into words. And for all I know this whole post makes no sense.
In fact I'm not going to go back and reread any of this post because I'll be tempted to change or remove somethings.

Oh, and I bought some excellent Steampunk goggles that I'm excited to mod and make super cool.

Surreal and Depressing

Life is surreal and depressing.

I live in my parents basement.....and truth be told I go crazy if I'm there to long talking to people. I spend very little time there during the day. I try to keep all conscious hour in that house confined to the middle of the night so they're all asleep.

I work at a movie theatre.....and while I'm not at the bottom of the ladder it seems that it's becoming more and more difficult to move up. I make 8.50 an hour for Christ's sake! And by the end of the year they're dissolving my position. So I could either move up or step back down and with more and more rungs being taken off the top of the ladder I'm afraid I might have to get off the ladder and try a new one.

I owe money.....to a bank and I haven't been paying it off for a year. Also the bank I've been going through has handed me a credit card/loan that I have kept maxed out for the past 5 months or so. I'm paying my parents more than half of what I make each month and living paycheck to paycheck and it causes a lot more stress that I'd like it too. this also doesn't help when my car gets sick and I have to go crawling to my father to help me get it fixed.

I argue with myself daily.....and yes the therapist has told me to stop it. apparently it's not healthy. I worry constantly about things out of my control. I worry constantly about things that are in my control I'm just too lazy or unmotivated to get around to fixing them. I struggle constantly with the fear that no one loves me while in a crowd of people that all want to ask how I'm doing and what I've been up to. I worry that I'm not a good friend or an inadequate boyfriend while receiving texts and messages asking when I'm free to hang out.

I'm tired of being tired.....and I've finally given up trying to go to bed on time. I'm sick of laying in bed for hours trying to go to sleep. So I run myself ragged until I collapse and sleep through work or an appointment.

I go out of my way to avoid going home.....even if I inconvenience a friend and ruin plans for the day.

I have so many wonderful colours running through my mind. So many stories......I've stopped trying to share them with the world. I can't ever seem to get it right.

I envy everyone. even the people I hate.