I Have a Headache

I push someone away who I care about deeply, and I know she cares for me.
And I beckon someone closer who I have doubts about.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I want to be able to be alone but I'm afraid of myself.

"Weak, dudes.....Weak!"

So I've been sick the last week.
I pretty much sucked!

normally I get sick once a year and it hits me bad enough I'm down for one day then I'm ok.
This year I've been dragging for a week and it's been pretty terrible.

Also I've been having some pretty crazy dreams the last few days.
my last two dreams were both about a large group of people that all kind of shunned me.
A lot of friends who pretty much banned me and left me to be alone.
Kinda Depressing.

"Well Dammit, I'm cold"

I'm officially sick.

I've had a headache for close to 12 hours.
My nose is stuffy and it burns constantly.
almost threw up a few times...and I'm cold.
I don't get cold. this is what made me finally realize.

Sittintg in a movie just barely and I realized I wished I had another coat. or a blanket.
and it dawned on me.

"well dammit" I says to myself, "I'm cold"

I don't like it.
is this what you all feel like?

Time Out

Last week or so has been really crazy.

I have decided to take some time off.
time off from everyone.
Still do everything normal, work and whatnot, but spend more time alone. I might take a couple days and go camping.
But I need real time to myself.
I don't know who I am, as a person I confuse myself the most.
How can I be comfortable being around people I care about when I don't even know who I am, let alone the kind of influence I have on others.

I tried getting together with my best friend to tell her this.
I turned into a Jackass again and I didn't show up. She got mad, I got mad and we started texting and e-mailing each other a lot of mean things.

I've never had a fight with her before. It scared the hell out of me. I cried a lot knowing I probably blew it with her. I could see myself having a great relationship with her. And if not, She's one of my closest friends.

Things have calmed down and we're not fighting anymore.
I'm not going to rush things this time.
I need to stop rushing into things.

Rumors

There been a few rumors at work flying around.

First there is a Supervisor position opening up that many people want and depending on who gets it will depend on how it affects me.
A Box Office Lead is going for the position...and if he gets it they might replace his position.
And officially The Company will no longer be hiring for any Lead position. they are going to get rid of all lead positions.
But because I'm already a lead in Concessions they might transfer me over.
I've heard they've already thrown my name around a bit.

Also the projectionist that got the position I applied for a couple months ago is pregnant. So in April or May there might be a position available.

These are good things to me.

Sex on the Beach

I love incense.
My mother hates it...
my room is right under my mothers.....
my mother hates incense.

Also my hamster Alpha died yesterday. It was sad but I'm pretty sure it was the fact that I kept my room too cold for too long. I still haven't set up my space heater and she might have frozen.
This is sad.
But I might get another few hamsters pretty soon. Maybe when is warms up a bit.... maybe in like a week. Not sure yet.

2009

It's the new year.
2009.

I misss 2008. but part of me doesn't want to look back.

I'm so tired
I'm tired of feeling like shit.
everyhting I've done has had a reason. I surely can't say they were all good reasons. But I can't keep saying I'm sorry.

Christmas times.

So the first thing I open....the missionary handbook/discussion book and all the missionary pamphlets.

that amazes me. I had figured my parents had finally accepted the fact that I wasn't going on a mission and that I just didn't want to be involved with the church right now.

I can accept this as a gift on any other day, but they wrapped it up and put it under that tree...like that's going to make me ignore it and forget about it any less.

Well the rest of Christmas wasn't too bad. I got a new tent and I can't wait to go camping soon, it's been way too long.

Anyways work on Christmas was crazy insane, But I didn't have to close so it was ok.

Also I talked to Chelsea Christmas night.
Fist phone conversation since we broke up.
It was really nice. It wasn't awkward and it was very enjoyable.
It also sorta set in stone the realization that do need to stay apart for a while.

My Lame Little Holiday Tune

It seems Christmas is finally upon us.
Is it bad of me to have just barely felt in the Christmas mood?
Anyways, I've only done shopping for a couple people. everyone else might just get Christmas late this year.... maybe it'll be postponed until the 10th of January.

Anyways it kinda suck that I work Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day, but at least I don't have to close on Christmas, I open so it'll be nicer.

Also it's phone time. Hopefully by tomorrow my phone will be up and running. That'd be nice.

Friend?

So I have this friend.
I've known her for years. And over the past two years or so we've gotten a lot closer, especially the last six months.
She has confessed feelings for me recently.
And I don't know what to do.
I care for her a lot, and while a relationship with her would be nice, I'm against anything too serious right now. I need to not be in a steady relationship and I need to date other people. I want to date lots of people. But I find myself wanting to spend more time with her.

I also feel guilty, because I just ended a relationship with an amazing girl. I ended it because it had gotten very serious and I'm not ready for that. To be thinking of someone else so soon frightens me.
In fact it makes me think of myself as an incredible asshole.

I'm not in love, that should count for something I guess. And while a relationship with this girl would be amazing, I can see some major complications sometime near September.

I would love to live without regret, I don't think my type of personality will allow it.
And while it's true I wouldn't change my past if I could, I still regret things.